MEN AND THEIR EMOTIONS
In Defense of Emotionally Unavailable Men
Fear of commitment is a common problem across the board. Men and women both are acutely aware of all the things that can go wrong when signing up for a long-term relationship.
But the issue of being emotionally unavailable seems to find itself more frequently associated with the male side of the population — a prominent link in the chain of stereotypes related to traditional gender roles and biases.
As such, we come across a lot of sweeping generalizations about men and their emotions: They think being emotional is a sign of weakness. They are more logical than women and therefore see feelings as a distraction. They need to be strong and unemotional to be more masculine.
Obviously, not all subscribe to these beliefs.
But the concept of men’s inherent emotional unavailability is something that’s both a huge misconception and the reflection of a reality that, to be perfectly honest, everyone is to blame for.
“Real men don’t cry.”
This is a common saying — a warning, even — that a lot of people use whenever little boys and grown men attempt to express sadness by shedding tears.
Whether as a joke or a genuine product of an outdated mindset, plenty of parents, teachers, and peers throw this line around in order to discourage guys who are upset from expressing how they feel.
It doesn’t come as a surprise, then, that being emotionally unavailable seems like the better and safer option for men.
After all, when you’re told from a young age that doing something so natural it’s considered a sign of life for newborn babies isn’t allowed because of your gender, and breaking this “rule” leads to you being teased or ridiculed, retreating to yourself and shutting everything down will sound like the more appealing choice.
The problem with this is being unable to openly cry doesn’t just stop men from sobbing when they’re sad or hurt. It has far worse consequences on how society dictates the way men regulate their emotions — something we now seem to blame them for.
“I’m fine.”
In relationships, men face a lot of challenges because of certain expectations and prejudices that can make it hard for them to navigate the dating world.
Since a lot of men grow up being told they can’t be as free with their feelings as women are, they then develop characteristics that define emotionally unavailable people.
Some find it very difficult to show affection, which makes being in a relationship tricky because couples are expected to readily express their appreciation for one another. Verbal declarations of love and even simple things like hugs and kisses also tend not to come easily.
Some have a hard time committing to a significant other for the long haul. Since emotionally unavailable men are not used to the intimacies that are required in a long-term relationship, they have a lot of reservations and fears that prevent them from committing themselves even to someone they love.
Communication and trust also take a long time for some men to get the hang of.
They were led to believe crying is emasculating, after all, so any other similar vulnerabilities are now lumped into the same category of weaknesses they just can’t afford.
When something in a relationship makes them feel bad, they either mask it with indifference or lash out in disproportionate anger. Even with a partner they can depend on, it can still be hard to express overwhelming emotions.
Sure, it’s important to hold people accountable for their actions and choices, but there’s also an undeniable connection between the way society treats boys and how they adapt certain traits later in life as a result.
If we really want to stop encountering emotionally unavailable men who make relationships harder for everyone, maybe it’s high time to take a step back and ask ourselves where they’re coming from in the first place.
