ADVICE | SELF
How to Control Anger in a Relationship and Resolve Conflicts
A cutting word, a harsh gesture, or an indifferent tone — no matter how seemingly insignificant — can trigger your temper in a situation ripe for conflict.
You then find yourself fuming — your forehead crumples, shoulders tense, and face flushes.
You reach for the nearest object and hurl it in anger. Whether that’s your anniversary photo frame or the book you haven’t finished reading, you don’t care.
Once anger strikes you, you can’t see anything but red. Everyone knows this. But over the years, many people still say, “My anger is ruining my relationship.”
Anger is a normal and healthy emotion. It’s a bodily signal that presses you to overcome obstacles that can threaten your relationships (Williams 2017). However, it can also backfire.
Uncontrolled anger leads to conflicts that can hurt your loved ones physically or emotionally. When unresolved, it ultimately ruins your bond.
This is why couples should learn how to control anger in a relationship. Doing so will help nurture your communication and effectively resolve conflicts.
The next time you see yourself starting to throw a fit, take these steps instead.
1. Pause before reacting.
Catch yourself before saying or doing something out of anger. Take deep breaths, inhaling from your nose and exhaling from your mouth. Do this slowly, five to ten times, until you feel calm.
Afterward, collect your thoughts and assess the situation objectively to prevent yourself from doing something you’ll regret.
2. State how you feel.
Once you feel calmer, tell your partner how you feel and why. Focus on the problem. Avoid judgments or accusations.
For example, say, “I’m upset our date was canceled at the last minute for the second time this week,” instead of “I’m annoyed that you think our relationship is always the last priority.”
3. Take a break.
If you need more time to process your emotions, ask your partner for space. Step to the next room for a few minutes, or spend a day or two without them.
However, don’t walk away without saying a word. Tell your partner what you’re going through and what you need.
Also, agree on a duration that works for both of you. Taking too much time apart can increase anxiety and resentment. You need to discuss your issues in time.
4. Release your anger.
Learning how to control anger in a relationship also means knowing how to fix yourself instead of your partner.
Anger builds up in your body, affecting your thoughts and actions. Release it by engaging in physical activities.
Go for a run, kickbox, swim a hundred laps — whatever will help you release the tension. You can also engage in hobbies you enjoy, like painting or playing music. You will feel refreshed and lighter afterward.
5. Communicate and reconcile.
Once you’ve sorted yourself out, communicate your needs to your partner. Agree on a mutual resolution that would improve your relationship.
For example, say, “I need you to tell me if you’re struggling with something and not to avoid me.” Or, “Let me know if you’d be busy, so I won’t worry about not receiving a text from you.”
Know the Real Enemy
Anger often pits you against your loved one, but remember who the real enemy is.
You’re not up against your partner; you’re playing for the same team against the problems that pull your relationship down.
Take these steps to view your conflict from a greater perspective, leading to more peaceful resolutions.
Reference:
Williams, Riccardo. 2017. “Anger as a Basic Emotion and Its Role in Personality Building and Pathological Growth: The Neuroscientific, Developmental and Clinical Perspectives.” Frontiers in psychology 8 (November). https://doi.org/10.3389%2Ffpsyg.2017.01950.
